Chip's emotional legacy

A legacy is the story of someone’s life, the things they did, places they went, goals they accomplished, their failures, and more. Legacy is something that a person leaves behind to be remembered by. Legacies are pathways that guide people in decisions with what to do or what not to do.

Of course, legacies involve property and wealth. I’ve read about social legacy, which aims to improve the use of resources and maximizes the positive impacts of mining, construction, etc. There is the legacy admissions process, whereby applying to college can be like a superpower. There is also emotional legacy, and this is the kind of legacy I chose to focus on in the words I spoke on Sunday at Chip’s childhood home, our final spot for placing some of his ashes in Wilmington. Here is what I had to say:

Thank you all for being here today and throughout the weekend. It means so much to have the support of family and friends at this time of 40 days since Chip’s death, and I’m including support from those who are unable to be physically present here today. That support, in the form of thoughts, prayers, visits in Virginia, phone calls, Bible verses, photographs, shared memories, cards, and texts, have been so healing to me and have brought me much peace. I could never express how grateful I am to everyone, near and far, for all of your support and kindness.

In addition to the support of others, another key element to getting through losing Chip is when I think about how grateful I am to him and how much I cherish what he has left behind. Chip took efforts to ensure that me and the 8 children we shared were secure and that every legal “t” was crossed and every “i” was dotted. He did all the right things by designating a personal representative and someone to handle his affairs after he passed. He described what he wanted to have done with his body as well as who should get what after he died. These were not easy conversations for us to have as newlyweds, or for him to have as a brother, a son or a father, but they needed to be had. His physical legacies will certainly accomplish what he intended them to accomplish.

But, what about Chip’s emotional legacy? I think, and I believe Chip would agree 110% with me here, that his emotional legacy is the legacy that mattered most to him. How his friends, family, colleagues and the community at large will remember him was so important to him. He made it clear that he never wanted to be defined by his bank balances, by spreadsheets, or by legal documents. I recall a discussion early on in our relationship when he told me, and I quote, “I never want to be thought of as anything more or less than a man.” Indeed, he lived his life aiming to be accepted for the man he was, nothing more, and never to be thought of as less than a man. To me, he was the perfect representation of a man, nothing less and nothing more.

It’s easy to tune one’s thoughts or energy into a financial legacy or tangible things that are left behind, but an emotional legacy holds so much richness for the mind and spirit. Chip’s emotional legacy and how I remember him has gotten me through the devastation of losing him and it is what I would like to concentrate on here today.

Who he was as a person, the values he imparted and how his values affected the lives he left behind will last all of our lifetimes and, hopefully, for the lifetimes of generations to come. He collected physical items and financial wealth from those who left before him, but he also role modeled and conceptualized who he was and wanted to be throughout his lifetime based on those who went before him who role modeled it to him. As he aged, and certainly after he received his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, his emotional legacy held even greater meaning to him as time raced by. He wanted our 8 children we shared to know who he was as a person, what he had to offer, and what ideas and things he held dear. He knew his loved ones, friends and family already knew him well, but he he took time to share even more of himself and revisit times they shared together so that who he was and how he thought and what he valued made an even deeper impression than ever before. By leaving us his emotional legacy, he has passed on his deeply rooted and cherished values that he wanted to pass on to the next generation. He has placed them at our disposal if we choose to carry them on for him after his death. There are so many to choose from.

Chip often heard about the college so and so’s kid went to, what they do for a living and their success stories, all of which is lovely and a source of pride, but he was more focused on whether the children we shared and others’ children were good and purposeful individuals who have a wider lens when it comes to how they interact with and impact their families and communities. He didn’t care so much about what they were doing in life as much as that they were remembering what is most dear in life.

Leaving an emotional legacy begins with living a valuable life. Chip certainly did that and he encouraged the 8 children, nieces and nephews, and children of friends to do the same. Chip never forgot that when he left this planet, that his emotional legacy would live on, both positively and negatively, and that we have a choice in the emotional legacy we leave. He knew fully that if we understand that our words and behaviors define who we are, we might be less impulsive or that we might make better choices.

Today, with regard to just one aspect of Chip’s emotional legacy he has left me, I want to share Chip’s love of being at jam band festivals and hearing live music. Before meeting Chip, I was someone who needed a dance beat to enjoy music at a concert. But, Chip taught me there is so much more to appreciate about live music. He introduced me to the idea of two musicians in a jam band having a conversation with each other on stage to determine when a jam would begin, where it would go and when it would end. He would point out to me at concerts when 2 guitars were talking to each other or when the horn player and the keyboard player were conversing. He taught me to listen for riffs (I didn't know these were a even thing before I met him) and explained that riffs were like figures of speech that people use frequently to make a point. I was in awe of his vast knowledge about music and his ability to recall names of musicians in bands from the 70’s. As someone who has spent a lifetime thinking about the power of actual speech and language, I soaked up everything he had to teach me about the language of music and musicians, and how musicians can speak to each other without words. Because Chip valued this aspect of music, I came to pay closer attention when listening to songs performed on stage and, with that, came a greater appreciation for and joy regarding music. I am reminded today of his lessons, his voice while he taught me, and of the magic of conversation between 2 people without one word being spoken.

I, in turn, will pass this value of Chip’s on to my loved ones by teaching them to love music, dance, and the freedom and emotion that comes with music and conversation without words. I hope that my loved ones and all of us left behind will follow in Chip’s footsteps after witnessing the joy that listening to music brought to him.

To memorialize this legacy he left for me, I’d like to play a song. This song will also be my song for Chip. It’s a song that starts off with the vocalist thinking in terms of “I”, then includes “you” and ends the song with the pronoun “we.” It represents, for me, how I and Chip became “we” over time. It also represents a key phrase he said to me very early on in our relationship when we talked about all the places in the world we hadn’t seen yet and how we would love to see them together. After I rattled off a few places I wanted to see, he said “I would go anywhere, and no where at all, with you.” No matter how much time passed, we lived that truth. We were as happy together traveling far from home as we were when sitting right next to each other in the kitchen. My song for Chip is called “Anyhow” by Tedeschi Trucks. Susan Tedeschi, the lead vocalist, and Derek Trucks, a nephew of Greg Allman, were married after about 10 years of playing music in separate bands and they formed Tedeschi Trucks in 2010. I think their love story presents itself beautifully and perfectly when I hear her sing and when he plays lead guitar in the music they make together. Chip and I saw Tedeschi Trucks perform the song “Anyhow” several times in concert (the picture in this post was taken at Wolf Trap National Park for the Performing Arts, a 25-minute walk from our home, when we saw Tedeschi Trucks on 07/11/2018). When we hear it now, I ask that you listen for the conversations and communication between the musicians (I am including the vocalist, Susan Tedeschi, when I say “musician”). Listen to the lyrics she sings. Perhaps through this song, I can share a bit of the legacy he left me and you will go on to share his love of music with someone else or come to embrace or appreciate music a bit more than you do now.