Deep grief reflects deep love

The deep grief is unbearable these days. It comes unexpectedly, like Chip’s death, which, as I always say, was expected, yet unexpected. I hold the deep grief in when the youngest two, Sam and Stella, are around as well as when emailing, texting or talking to the older 6, Eva, Cat, Michael, Calli, Henry and George. I share my grief with all of them so that they will feel safe sharing their grief with me and to show them grieving is a healthy, normal thing to do after such a significant loss. But, when I am alone in the house or the car, especially when in Chip’s pick-up truck, I unleash the deep grief.

Poet John Green describes deep grief well. He writes:

Bone deep

That’s where the ache lives

Memories carried inside like an old wound

Never fully healed.

Last week, I read that where there is deep grief, there was great love and that grief is the last act of love we have to give those we loved. The first part made so much sense to me. If I hadn’t had the experience of loving Chip so deeply, I wouldn’t be grieving him as deeply. The second part does not resonate with me. My efforts to keep Chip’s memory eternal in this blog are acts of love. My efforts to love, to be present for and to be available to, as best as possible while I am grieving, the 8 children we shared are acts of my love for him. I can take all the energy and love I would have given directly to him and give it to the 8 children and so many others to whom Chip mattered. No, my grief is not the last act of love that I have to give him. Always honing my ability to love others fully and completely, without judgment (which is the way I loved Chip every day), is but one example of an act of love I can give to Chip while I’m here on earth without him.

In her blog post on healingbrave.com, Jennifer Williamson writes, “Grief is a heavy weight to carry and it's also an anchor in love. It's not something you can rush or push past.” Currently, I am living this heavy weight anchored in love and aiming to embrace it. Williamson offers 21 grief quotes in her blog post that “highlight the love you’ll never lose.” No matter if you’ve lost a parent, spouse, child, or whomever else, surely one of the quotes will help you in the grieving process. Below are some of my favorites.

“Grief is not linear. It’s not a slow progression forward toward healing, it’s a zigzag, a terrible back-and-forth from devastated to okay until finally there are more okay patches and fewer devastated ones. The mind can’t handle emotions like grief and terror for any sustained period of time, so it takes some downtime.” – Lisa Unger, Beautiful Lies: A Novel

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain” and “When you are sorrowful look again into your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” – Kahlil Gibran

“You see, love and grief are two sides of the same precious coin. One does not—and cannot—exist without the other. They are the yin and yang of our lives… Grief is predicated on our capacity to give and receive love. Some people choose not to love and so never grieve. If we allow ourselves the grace that comes with love, however, we must allow ourselves the grace that is required to mourn.” – Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph. D.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, a deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.” – Washington Irving

“Every time we make the decision to love someone, we open ourselves to great suffering, because those we most love cause us not only great joy but also great pain. The greatest pain comes from leaving…the pain of the leaving can tear us apart. Still, if we want to avoid the suffering of leaving, we will never experience the joy of loving. And love is stronger than fear, life stronger than death, hope stronger than despair. We have to trust that the risk of loving is always worth taking.” — Henri Nouwen

“Never. We never lose our loved ones. They accompany us; they don’t disappear from our lives. We are merely in different rooms.” – Paulo Coelho, Aleph

On that note from Paulo Coelho, I will spend the rest of today imagining the incredible view Chip has from his room in Heaven! I will smile up at him to show him I am managing the deep grief and to express gratitude for the deep love we shared.