Spring break would-, could- and should-haves

Being in Arizona for spring break was full of great fun and it was wonderful to be with Calli, Cat, Stella and Sam, but it was also full of would-haves, could-haves and should-haves without Chip. The would-, could-, and should-haves started on the plane ride from Dulles to Dallas (our layover between home and Tucson) when I opened Chip’s American Express Global Business Travel case (an obvious freebie at some point from Amex). I opened the case amidst jet engines humming post-takeoff to use one of the two sets of headphones (“Gotta always have a back up,” he would always say) and thought to myself “Chip should have been here to use the other set.” Along with the two sets of headphones in the case, I saw the two USB cords he kept in there (Chip would have used the Android one while I used the Apple one), a charging block with two USB ports, and a portable charger power bank.

Although the case hadn’t been used much at all for travel in the 6 months or so before Chip died, it had become a staple when he packed up a day or overnight bag for hospital stays, emergency room visits, day-long immunotherapy treatments at Johns Hopkins or hours-long chemotherapy infusions at Sibley Hospital. Along with the above-mentioned items in the case, I found a piece of paper folded neatly into a square peeking out from under the power bank. It was a note that I had written to him dated April 24, 2020.

I must have written it when I went home to get him some pajamas and the travel case after the hospital decided to keep him overnight after assessing him in the ER (maybe it was for one of his many blood transfusions he had last spring?). Knowing he was hesitant to spend the night in the hospital alone (due to COVID restrictions forbidding family members to stay with their loved ones after being admitted to the hospital), I wrote the note before returning to Sibley to deliver his overnight bag to him, so that he didn’t have to feel quite so alone.

The note reveals intimate thoughts I had about him, that I must have tucked some candy or cookies (I don’t recall now) into the case with the note, and that I wanted him to feel connected to me, even if in a small way, in order to assuage his fear of dying alone. It reads:

My Darling,

Sweets for my sweet husband, whom I love so much!

Tonight, without you in bed beside me, I will count our kisses…from the very first one on Capitol Hill…to the one today in the ER waiting room…and I will count them until I lose track of them.

I’ll think of you calling me “My love” and my heart will start beating faster.

When I’m not there tonight at your side, I will be that thumping sound in your chest that tells you to stay alive. I will be right there with you. I will show up in your dreams and in every breath you take.

Our love is powerful and there’s no distance in the world (or the universe) that will change it.

Love & kisses soon!

*Me*

Stella and Sam were too busy on their devices in the seats on either side of me to see my strong emotional reaction to the note. I think it took me nearly the entire 3-plus hour flight to Dallas to get into a better mindset and to begin to look forward once again to the adventure ahead.

Once in Arizona, the would-, could-, and should-haves were ceaseless. Chip would have loved the White Stallion Ranch. He would have loved being warmed by the Arizona sun as it rose with hot air balloons floating overhead and as it set with cattle bellowing and horses whinnying. He could have sat together with me, Calli, Cat, Stella and Sam at the pool, and with me and Sam in the stools made out of saddles at the bar. He should have been along for the horseback rides into the desert and hills surrounding the ranch (He would have told me stories about trips as a teenager to other dude ranches with his parents and siblings). He could have shown Stella and Sam his skill for hitting a target while shooting a Henry rifle and a Colt pistol. He would have been so happy giving Cat great big hugs and seeing her in the city of Tucson, a place that brings her happiness. He should been able to tell her how much he loved her as many times as he could have.

Nearly every moment of the trip contained a *****-have thought about Chip. From the moment I heard the man strumming his guitar in the area outside the main building one evening (Chip could have been strumming that guitar) to the moments watching happy couples enjoying prickly pear margaritas together (that would have been us) and families laughing together (that should have been us) throughout the week, the thoughts were incessant. Chip and I had had such big plans to enjoy the week in AZ with Stella, Sam and Cat for spring break 2020, and I thought constantly just how unfair it was that he wasn’t with us and that he should have been alive to enjoy it all.

When spring break finally came to an end and we arrived to Dulles after our time away, we had to take the train from our arrival terminal to the baggage claim terminal. The robotic female voice announced our arrival to the terminal with “This is bag--gage CLAIM” and I know Chip would have remarked at the strange cadence of the woman’s recorded voice. He faithfully mocked her announcement of the baggage claim terminal every time we got on those trains at Dulles after returning home from our adventures. After thousands of would-, could-, should-have thoughts in my head over the course of the week, it was the final one of my very first travel adventure without him.

There will be many journeys and adventures in the future without him, and many more thoughts of what would, could or should have been. The only thing I can do moving forward is remember him while my journeying continues and continue to live life for both of us.

Everlasting be his memory.